I would have written 10 books on how to get over your first love, and none of them would have been enough. Simply put, there isn’t a surefire way to do it, because everyone is different. Everyone has their own ways to cope. People are stubborn and don’t like taking advice from others, and most of all don’t want to admit that they themselves are wrong for clinging on to the last tattered remnants of hope. Everyone else after your first love is just a comparison. When the day comes that you stop comparing, that’s the one you keep. Don’t let go because it’ll be the thing you regret most, and then you’re back to square one….comparing. I’ve spent a long time thinking about this. 5 years and about 6 months now since I last had a girlfriend and last had what you could call a relationship. Even then, it was only for 2 and a half months. After my first love, which was when I was about 18-19, I spent 2 years in pointless and meaningless sex-driven “relationships,” with people who didn’t matter all too much. I attempted to cope, but it didn’t work. Why? I never had a normal relationship. Ever. I’ve never been with someone who I can just…be with. Someone who makes me feel whole, and wanted. It’s taken me this long to figure it out. My first girlfriend was crazy, but I truly loved her for everything that she was. The way she would lay with me while we watched Colbert Report every day, the way her eyes softened in the light, and shined in the dark. The way she would torture me with bad movies and tv shows. The way she smelled like dog after she stayed in her house for too long. I could go on, but I won’t, because I’d take all day. She was never there for me as a friend. We were too young and immature to understand what was more important. With me going into college, and her still being in high school, we were at different times in our lives. As I went through college, I began to see what was important: friendship. Friends will stay with you, that’s always a guarantee. Love isn’t a guarantee. I was in school 8-5 every day during the week and worked 630-11 three times a week. I worked a 12 hour shift on saturdays, and had to open on sundays. I had no time to myself, or for her. And for that, I am sorry. I didn’t have a chance for “me” time, which is important in any relationship. Towards the end of the relationship, I made up excuses to not see her, and instead spent time playing video games with my friends. For that, I am sorry. There is no excuse or anything I can say to her or to you to make up for the way I acted. Rightly so, she dumped me for someone who could give her the attention the deserved. Someone who had the opportunity to make her happy. My only wish is that she had met with me instead of texting me to end it. I would have preferred a face-to-face conversation. I suppose she had good reason to not meet. She had fallen out of love with me, due to my own actions. I may have asked a million questions why it happened the way it did. It didn’t matter though. None of it did. It ended and that’s it. After that, I went on a rebound spree. Self explanatory. After a while, we became close again, but as best friends. I don’t remember who came to who first, but it may have been me. At the time, she was dating someone seriously, so it had to be okay with her boyfriend. Then she went away to college. I remember meeting her friends beforehand when they came to webster. A cool bunch I thought to myself. Well one day, it happened…and she betrayed me. One of the days I will never ever forget for as long as I live. To trust someone so much then have your heart ripped out again…it sucked. I feel like after we broke up, she lost herself a little bit too. As for the reason why she did it, i don’t know. Since then I didn’t see her again until last Sunday…which was a span of about 3-4 years. That’s a long time to go without seeing someone. She spotted me at a local bar and well, I didn’t know what to say. I hugged her, asked how she was doing and went back to help my best friend celebrate his birthday. She looked beautiful, and I can’t say I expected any less. We’re friends now (after I had to consistently beg). I wasn’t going to go through my life without at least having her in it. I just can’t, and I realize that now.

She currently has a boyfriend. She’s happy, and to be honest that’s all I want her to be no matter who she is with. I still miss you Kelly, and there will always be a spot in my heart that will always love you. I’ve watched you grow through the years, and after everything we’ve been through together, I can say that I like who you’ve become. You smile now and look at the positive side of things, instead of letting the bad side of things ruin your day. You stand up for yourself when you never used to. You’ve become a grown woman and anyone can see that now. I hope to stay in your life for as long as possible. And yes, I still remember everything about you, even after 4 years of not talking.

I feel better now that I have that written down. There are still things I need to sort through from my past. But this is a step in the right direction.

-Joe

I think that title accurately sums up what I’ve been feeling. It’s just all sorts of things.

First off I want to let you all know that yes I have been absent from blogging both on here and on WordPress for quite some time now…for various reasons of course. But I do apologize. I really missed blogging, it’s just when I wanted to…I guess I didn’t have it in me. Now I have some time to write so I’m going to get it done. There may be some venting here. You’ve been warned.

Some of you (very few of you actually) who read my last blog on the old Xanga know I’ve been rehired at my last job, just at a different store. Recently the company has gone through a major staff overhaul. The manager that hired me back was moved, and a new one took his place….which just happened to be the dumb idiot that was part of the reason I quit last time. I can’t STAND him. But now I have to deal with it at least for 2 more weeks before I can request a transfer. Last weekend marked the end of the line for 2 of the guys in the shop. They also got moved to different locations. We’ve since brought in a lazy asshole “service manager” who basically stood around all day today with his hands in his pockets drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes while our only other service guy did all the work. Yeah. Ridiculous. I mean seriously, the guy couldn’t even be bothered to do a simple oil change. Oh it’s NOT your job? Well let me just tell that to my manager and we’ll see how far that gets you bud. I may not have a say in service work but I know what’s wrong and what’s right. If this guy can’t come to work to actually DO work, then he needs to go. Saturday I got into it with the shop manager (another arrogant prick) over something so small I couldn’t believe he made a big deal about it. I was working on a car doing my own thing when he decides he wants me to do things his way instead of my way. He came at me pretty aggressively so as anyone should, I defended myself and told him to back off and not tell me how to do my job. I don’t come to work to get berated for the work that I do. I take pride in my work. So being the mature adult he is, he told the manager what I said like a whiny little 2 year old crying to his mom. So then the manager basically yelled at me too while the arrogant prick gets to stand there and laugh at me. In his words I lack motivation and I’m a cancer to the shop. I told him I disagree and it offends me he feels that way. He avoided apologizing. Oh but don’t worry I will be talking to the regional manager about this crap. Ok vent time done.

I’ve been sick recently. I picked up something last weekend I think when I went to visit my buddy at his college dorm. We drank all weekend and had a blast. We met some girls and had them over for the night (one for both of us) so that was fun. It was nice to sleep with someone, even if it didn’t mean anything. I needed to get my mind off of things. That Sunday I slept with the sister of the girl I slept with at the dorm. I didn’t find this out until Monday. They’re a year apart. Really strange but hey…I nailed sisters. Score one for me. But since I got home from that I’ve been crazy sick. The weather has been fluctuating like mad so I got a pretty nasty cold. I’ve been drugged up on nyquil and dayquil for about a week straight haha. Today’s the first day I haven’t had anything although I’m still gonna take nyquil before bed because I’m still getting stuffed up and coughing. Through all that I’ve been good…I had my bank account hacked (not sure if I had posted on this before or not). But yeah over a month ago it was hacked into and I had about 250 bucks stolen out of it. I went without a card for 3 freaking weeks. 3 DAMN WEEKS. That’s way too fucking long. ESL fucked up so bad. I was pissed. I had to go to their headquarters building here to get my new card and new PIN. I bitched at them because they deserved it. I felt better afterwards so I went home and put new pads and rotors on my car. It felt SO GOOD to wrench again, even if it was something as simple as brakes. My old brakes were so fried. I’m surprised they held up so long without going metal to metal. But anyways then I changed my oil and ran some Techron through the gas tank as well as replaced my wipers. This thursday I’m getting 4 new tires on the car since I won’t last through the winter with my current set. Car maintenance isn’t cheap. It’s all for the better though. After the tires all I’ll have left is to adjust my clutch pedal play and have the accident damage taken care of. Still haven’t done that and I really need to.

I have recently started talking to an old flame. My last flame actually. Lindsey. I remember being so upset when she stopped talking to me 2 years ago. I saw her follow me on Twitter a couple of days ago and I sent her a little message there and she responded right away. I finally got an answer after all this time. She went away to Michigan for school but while she was there someone stole her phone. After that she couldn’t talk to anyone and she lost all her contacts. She never was one for social media so she didn’t use Facebook. I didn’t have a Twitter at the time so there was no way to talk to her. She apologized and said she felt so bad that she disappeared on me. She didn’t want it to happen and if she had a way to talk to me she would have as soon as she could. So we’ve kinda picked up right where we left off 2 years ago. I’m nervous though, because things can change in 2 years. I know I am a changed person. I’m much more cautious and definitely much more independent. Our conversations are very light and happy though so I’m liking where it’s going. We’re working on getting together soon sometime. She is doing an internship now 5 days a week so there’s not alot of time to get together, which I actually think will benefit. I’d get sick of her if I saw her 3 times a week anyways. I’ll have to post more on her later though.

My last bit is on the recent passing of Jamie. You guys obviously know about this by now. She, along with Jess, was one of my closest female friends in the Xanga community. I treasured her friendship almost as if she were my own family. The same with Jess and I don’t know what I’d do with myself if I lost her. It’s still hard to put words together to describe the way I feel. I’m coping I suppose. Not very well still. But I’m coping. She was just so close to my heart…to everyones hearts really. I’m really really going to miss her…but at the same time I have a life to live and I need to do that. For me, for her…it’s what she’d want. We can’t dwell on it. We have to move forward.

I think now though, I’m going to go to bed. I’m feeling better after all this writing. Till next time Xanga.

Well I do have to say this looks rather impressive just at a first glance. It’s good to be back, although I’ll hold off on blogging here completely again until I see who else sticks around. In the meantime I’ll be doing some exploring of 2.0 as well as posting on WordPress (which I’ve done zero posting on lol). I’ve been really busy. Lots to tell…but not right now.

This is my last Xanga post.

 

You’ll be able to continue reading my things on wordpress at xdustinwind.wordpress.com.

 

After today you can expect that to be updated weekly. It’s been a pleasure reading and talking with all of you, and I hope to see you over on wordpress. If not there, add me on facebook. OR you can do both. Add me on facebook here: https://www.facebook.com/dustinwind

 

Goodbye everyone! I’ll be checking this for comments and such today, but after that no more.

I am following up on the pulse I wrote out earlier. The responses I got to that question were…very difficult to read for the most part. You’ll see why as soon as you read this. And this was over the course of about half an hour that I got these responses. Here’s the results of my question:

 

 

I’m a bed wetter

I like cutting

I was sexually and physically abused as a child

I like to masturbate to pics of my sister

I’m Hannah Montana

I’m Anonymous

I spend time on Omegle

I fucked my teacher

I masturbate to gay porn

I copypasta

I like pancakes

I like it in the ass

I fucked your mom

I love anal sex

I ate a turkey sandwich

I watch porn

I’m secretly a moose

I’m a tree

I’ve been in a mental hospital

I killed someone

I fucked my friend in the butt when I was 12

I cum in my mom’s bag

I have a fetish for foreigners

I slept with my best friend’s brother

I ran over a man with my car in Tiajuana in 1997

I don’t like socks

I kill with dental floss

I often masturbate to shemales

I was raped

I was pregnant after being raped and lost the baby

Little Pony makes me hard

I slept with my teacher

I raped my little sister

I have testicular cancer

I like hookers

I’m the biggest thief in my town

I’m a virgin

I hate religion

 

All of these minus the few trolls here and there represent some sort of personal issue or really really traumatic event. I can’t say I’m surprised but some of the responses were really kinda appalling. The world is fucked up.

I just wrote my first blog there. Pretty generic, but I’m linking it here because honestly, I probably won’t be around here very much until the end of the fundraiser if Xanga winds up staying afloat. Go here: http://xdustinwind.wordpress.com/2013/06/18/migration/

 

Also, I’m sending a mass message out to all my friends. Send me your wordpress URLs!

It’s about time Xanga did something to prove it was alive. If you haven’t seen the post by the Xanga Team on the homepage, please go check it out and educate yourselves. The days of Xanga are numbered…but we’ll see if people pledge enough to reach the goal and keep the site around. 

 

In the meantime, I’m willing to open myself to other forms of communication for you guys.

 

Twitter – @Joe__Almighty

Facebook - I will add you as long as you message me your Xanga name so I know who you are.

Phone – Message me here and let me know if you want my number for texting. I hate phone calls and rarely speak on the phone unless I really have to.

Email – XDustinwind@gmail.com

 

On a separate note, I have pledged for a year, and I urge you all to do at least the same. I think this site needs to stay around. Some people are afraid of migrating over to a new host. It’s alot of work having to build up your following again. Most of us need a place to write, and Xanga has been it for me as long as I can remember. So please everyone pledge something to the fundraiser. Let’s keep Xanga around.

 

 

It’s been nearly 3 months since I’ve had a job. 3 months. That’s a long time. In those 3 months I’ve lost over half of my money due to bills and things like the fight, and spending money on the car and going out more. I just don’t get it. I should have had a job that I want to stay with by now. All my hard work in my previous jobs seems like it hasn’t done shit for me. I just want a job where I matter again. I want to feel like I’m a part of something. That’s all I want. I feel really good about myself when I earn something that I’ve worked for. It’s a really good sense of accomplishment. It makes me happy. I don’t have that anymore. I miss having something to work towards. I don’t feel like I have any goals, like everything’s just sorta vanished and I don’t have a sense of direction. My roommate moves out in 5 days, and from then on until I find a new roommate, I’ll be alone. Just me and my stuff. But you know I don’t really care for any of that. I just want to be happy again and I get shut down everywhere I turn. If I could explain it, it’s like this. It’s like shooting a 3 pointer, and getting shot blocked by someone 6 inches shorter than me. It’s a demoralizing feeling. 

 

My brain is just kindof a huge jumble right now. There’s so many things I want to write. I used to be able to just write and unload and I can’t even do that anymore. Is there something wrong with me? What if the things I’ve done and the decisions I’ve made are wrong? I question my decision to move into an apartment. I question placing my trust in a stupid confused girl. That turned out to be a huge mistake. I question if I really even want to be here. I question even staying in the state much longer. There’s a huge part of me that wants to just get all my things together and leave without looking back. The only thing keeping me here is the knowledge that if I do leave, I’ll never see my dogs again. I won’t have the feeling of joy that I get whenever I hug Nikki and Marley just because I know they miss me more than I’ll ever know. That’s the thing with dogs. They stay with you, even when your friends don’t. They won’t get tired of doing the same shit over and over again. Something so simple as throwing a toy or playing tag or tug of war. I’ll never have a chance to say goodbye to my aging grandparents. They aren’t getting any younger. They may both pass before I turn 35. Thinking about it makes me tear up so I’m going to try not to. 

 

I want to fall asleep each night holding someone special. But of course, that’s not something I’m meant to have. I’m supposed to be alone until I can figure out how not to be alone. I want to share my time with someone who makes me as happy as I make them. I want to be happy, angry, confused, and excited. I want to feel again. The rush of feelings and hormones makes me feel more alive, more human. Without that, I’m like a hibernating bear. Never comes out of his hole until he knows there’s a warm and bright world out there. 

 

I don’t know what I need most. I don’t know what to do. I’m lost. I’ve always been good at solving things. I’ve just never been any good at solving myself.

I miss writing here, truly. I wish I could update more often, but whenever I want to, it’s always about something negative and I hate writing about negative things, even though it does help to have an outlet here. And you guys are all wonderful. At least, the very select few of you that actually do read this. Hah. Anyways…this weekend has been a whirlwind. But I’ll actually start with my roommate situation. 

 

As you know my current roommate Christy is moving out. Honestly, I used to have a huge thing for her. Over time though, and while living with her, I learned that she’s basically just a pretty face. Pretty much all of her friends hate me, and I haven’t done anything to deserve that. Her best friend definitely hates me, and I opened my apartment up to her and allowed her to put her fucking photo studio HERE. Not something I really wanted because since it’s my apartment, I have plans for the space that’s available. But whatever, it’s gone now. Although I’m going to miss her friendship, what I won’t miss is her lack of responsibility. She could never keep anything clean. If I took a picture of the kitchen floor right now you’d probably be a tad disgusted. All the stains on the floor are from her cooking and spilling shit everywhere. It’s gross. I bought a swiffer mop so I’ll be able to clean it up, but that’s only because she doesn’t know how to clean up after herself. I can deal with her being a slob for 10 more days before she finally leaves. Ok I’m ranting. But yeah so, I posted an ad on Craigslist that I’m looking for a roommate. I’ve never really done that before, and I NEVER expected the volume of emails and texts and calls that I got in response to the ad to be so large. It was at least 10 responses a day for about 3 or 4 days straight. After that they started to dwindle and fade out a little bit which made me happy. But I still was losing a huge amount of sleep over it. It’s hard to maneuver showing an apartment when you have a roommate that doesn’t really tell you when she’s gonna be home or not. Anyways, I wound up showing 3 people. 2 guys and one girl. The girl was originally my first choice, however after some thought, I decided against it and wound up showing one more person, because the other two guys were asking for short term leases. I’m glad I did because the kid I showed is going to be my new roommate. He’s 6’5″, 22, and he plays basketball and is a gamer. I couldn’t be more thrilled with the way that turned out. I love basketball and I love games. He’s also not a huge partier like my current roommate is, so that’s a big plus. Now I’ll finally be able to sleep at night without having to worry too much about someone slamming the door coming in at 3am after a night out, or slamming the door leaving at 7am. Yeah she does that. No respect. So this guy will be moving in on June 1st hopefully. I couldn’t be more excited. I hope he moves in soon enough for us to chill out and watch the remainder of the NBA playoffs. I’ll even help him. I don’t care. But now the search is done and over with and I’ve been sleeping better ever since. 

 

Next on the list, I’ve finally begun officially planning the bachelor party for my buddy John. We’re thinking of meeting up for lunch in town, and then enjoying ourselves with some go-carting and mini-golf during the day, possibly bowling or laser tag if the weather doesn’t cooperate. Or maybe even some basketball/racquetball or something like that. But after the day activities, we’re going to rent a limo for the night and be on our way to Buffalo for dinner at Dave&Buster’s as well as some arcade fun. After that we’ll freshen up at our hotels and go wreak havoc on Buffalo all night. Strippers will be included and drinks will be flowing. I’m excited for this. I never get to be a part of anything this big so making this all happen is a huge step for me and I want the challenge.

 

Next, this past weekend I went to Boston to watch my buddy Mike’s MMA fight. He’s a pro and entered the fight with 7 wins and 2 losses. He specializes in wrestling, and has never been submitted or finished. Every single one of his fights has gone to a decision, and that’s the way he likes them. The longer the fight goes, the better he does. This fight also went to a decision. He stood toe to toe with the opponent for 3 five minute rounds. The guy is from the UFC, and was an Ultimate Fighter semi-finalist. Which means he almost made it to the big time. His specialty was striking and Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, although that didn’t help him, because Mike took him to the ground on 4 separate occasions during the fight. His first takedown came after he ate a big right hand from the guy, fell backwards, popped right back up and shot in for a takedown. In about 10 seconds, Mike had taken control of his opponent’s back and was in position for a rear naked choke, but the kid slipped away. I won’t go into too much detail, but Mike wound up being on the losing side of the judge’s decision…which was complete bullshit. Every time the kid threw a punch, the crowd went nuts because he was a hometown hero (originally from Boston). His punches never hit Mike, and it was because of the crowd and the way Mike was moving his head, that the judges thought the strikes were hitting. They weren’t. Mike’s face wasn’t even bruised or anything. He looked like he was about to enter a fight instead of leaving it. I can’t say the same for the other kid. His face was bruised from the top of the bridge of his nose all the way down to his mouth on both sides of his nose. He eventually wound up going to the hospital to be checked for a concussion. Mike screwed him up really bad and it’s confusing as hell how he wound up losing. He told me after the fight, that when they started announcing the round scores by points, he thought they were announcing them in his favor because the fight was way different than what the judges saw. He said when the fight ended, he was sure he had won. He wound up losing in a unanimous decision. I don’t know what his next move will be, but I know him and he’s going to use this as motivation to improve his boxing and striking even more. I can only hope that I’ll have a role in helping him with that. The next few months I’m very excited for, just to see how he responds to adversity.

 

Finally…the last part of this. I had a girl over tonight. I met her a while ago, through a mutual friend of mine (who happens to be kind of a self-centered prick). We watched Anger Management and layed in bed cuddling, then I kissed her and well, that’s the most enjoyment I’ve ever gotten without actually having sex. She really knows how to handle herself and that’s a huge turn on. We fooled around for a good half hour before I stopped myself and let her go home and sleep. I already have told her that I don’t want to give her the wrong impression based on what happened tonight. I have hung out with her once before, at her place though. She can make me laugh, and she likes to tickle me, which is funny because I’m ticklish everywhere and can’t do anything about it…*sigh* girls. If things continue with this girl, and we wind up dating, I’ve no idea how I’m going to be able to fully open up. For any of you who have closely followed my blogs of the past, you know my history with women, and it makes me really nervous to think about a relationship again. I just hope this girl will be able to understand. She’s not crazy thank god. She’s normal, and she’s a couple years younger than me, but that’s fine. I’m at the age where it really doesn’t matter how old or young they are, so long as they’re old enough to drink and not immature. That’s all I’ll say about her for now. If we meet up again I’m sure I’ll write about it.

 

But shit, it’s been a hell of a weekend…and I’m exhausted.

 

Oh yeah, I’m still jobless. Lol. Hope you’re all well.

 

Edit: As a note, I forgot to mention that when I came home from bachelor party planning, I was lucky enough to hear my roommate having sex with her boyfriend. She’s a moaner. June 1st can’t come soon enough.

I just overheard my roommate on the phone with her mom saying she’s moving out on june 1st. Like it’s already set in stone. I must have missed that memo because this is all news to me. Less than a month to find a roommate? Yeah…sure…no problem…I’ll just pay for everything my fucking self. When I don’t have a job.

Someone please tell me why I continue to have faith in women?