February 11, 2012

• No matter what

  I will never be able to escape my past. The one person I really never want to see again is going to be watching the dogs while the family is gone on vacation (me included, thank goodness). I think my heart skipped a few beats when my mom goes "Hey Joe, Kelly is here!" Yeah thanks mom...it's almost tragic how badly I need this girl in my life right now. The fact that she isn't doesn't bother me because I'm fine without her. But the fact that she doesn't want to be, bugs the shit out of me. I can't even look at her without hurting a little bit inside. All I see is pain because that's all she caused for me. Just...pain and hurt, depression, trust issues...every conceivable problem I have goes right back to her. 

   

  But for some reason, despite all that crap, I need her. Maybe it's the part of me that knows she can be a really good person. I have seen it...but...I know what kind of person she is now. I know we could never be anything. I'd never date her again and there's no way to be friends. That's beyond repair. I just can't deal with the reality that maybe it hurts so much because she and I were meant to be in each other's lives. That deeper connection you only feel with maybe 2 or 3 people your entire life. 

   

  I was doing so well too...I was happy. Now after 15 minutes of just being near this girl, I feel like I'm scraping and scratching at a wall. Starting the whole process over again.

   

  I don't feel good

  • 7:36 pm
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