May 28, 2013
-
One Thing
It’s been nearly 3 months since I’ve had a job. 3 months. That’s a long time. In those 3 months I’ve lost over half of my money due to bills and things like the fight, and spending money on the car and going out more. I just don’t get it. I should have had a job that I want to stay with by now. All my hard work in my previous jobs seems like it hasn’t done shit for me. I just want a job where I matter again. I want to feel like I’m a part of something. That’s all I want. I feel really good about myself when I earn something that I’ve worked for. It’s a really good sense of accomplishment. It makes me happy. I don’t have that anymore. I miss having something to work towards. I don’t feel like I have any goals, like everything’s just sorta vanished and I don’t have a sense of direction. My roommate moves out in 5 days, and from then on until I find a new roommate, I’ll be alone. Just me and my stuff. But you know I don’t really care for any of that. I just want to be happy again and I get shut down everywhere I turn. If I could explain it, it’s like this. It’s like shooting a 3 pointer, and getting shot blocked by someone 6 inches shorter than me. It’s a demoralizing feeling.
My brain is just kindof a huge jumble right now. There’s so many things I want to write. I used to be able to just write and unload and I can’t even do that anymore. Is there something wrong with me? What if the things I’ve done and the decisions I’ve made are wrong? I question my decision to move into an apartment. I question placing my trust in a stupid confused girl. That turned out to be a huge mistake. I question if I really even want to be here. I question even staying in the state much longer. There’s a huge part of me that wants to just get all my things together and leave without looking back. The only thing keeping me here is the knowledge that if I do leave, I’ll never see my dogs again. I won’t have the feeling of joy that I get whenever I hug Nikki and Marley just because I know they miss me more than I’ll ever know. That’s the thing with dogs. They stay with you, even when your friends don’t. They won’t get tired of doing the same shit over and over again. Something so simple as throwing a toy or playing tag or tug of war. I’ll never have a chance to say goodbye to my aging grandparents. They aren’t getting any younger. They may both pass before I turn 35. Thinking about it makes me tear up so I’m going to try not to.
I want to fall asleep each night holding someone special. But of course, that’s not something I’m meant to have. I’m supposed to be alone until I can figure out how not to be alone. I want to share my time with someone who makes me as happy as I make them. I want to be happy, angry, confused, and excited. I want to feel again. The rush of feelings and hormones makes me feel more alive, more human. Without that, I’m like a hibernating bear. Never comes out of his hole until he knows there’s a warm and bright world out there.
I don’t know what I need most. I don’t know what to do. I’m lost. I’ve always been good at solving things. I’ve just never been any good at solving myself.
Post a Comment
Leave a Reply
You must be logged in to post a comment.
Comments (5)
I think its very human to feel lost when you don’t have clear goals. I think you might want to focus in on exactly what you want and take baby steps. Also, sometimes packing up and leaving can really be a good thing
And I don’t believe you were meant to be alone. You were probably just never meant to settle for someone less than perfect.
@sonnigenmai - I wish I could pack up and leave, but I can’t. It’s something I really want to do though. In the future, when I have the opportunity and the money, I plan on it. I’ve never had real clear and set goals though. I’ve always played it by ear, even in college. I didn’t know my major until I was through my first semester.
As far as being alone…I feel that way because I’ve never met anyone who’s made me truly feel like I mean as much to them as they do to me. Nobody is perfect and I know that, but I’m a victim of my past and it’s hard to trust that normal girls exist. I don’t think I could be with someone who was “perfect” because then I’d get used to that, and when they make a mistake I’d question everything. If that makes sense.
I have no easy answers for such deep thoughts, but I will say this: being alone can breed negative thoughts that complicate your position. A friendly demeanor ( I can be open to talk and learn to like you) will do much to make others seem more open to you. That perfect girl doesn’t exist, but the one who will seem perfect enough does exist and you will not have to be afraid to know her faults or to share yours when the time is right and you have established a certain bond (not sexual).
I am surprised you discovered your major in college so soon. It took me two years to switch from engineering to language. BTW, what was yours?
(One last thought. Sometimes making a break in career or surroundings when it’s least doable is the only way you’ll ever do it. Looking back, many people see how the turn of purpose would have made all the difference in freeing them from a life they never could enjoy.
@quest4god@revelife - I had always been into cars, and when I found out that there was an automotive program, I registered immediately after my first semester, which I conveniently used to get most of my elective classes out of the way to meet the liberal arts requirement. I went in undeclared and after the first semester I registered for Automotive Technology – Toyota.
Certainly a very exciting field at this time with all the emphasis being shifted to eco-friendly, efficient operation – plus so many safety features.
My dad, who will soon turn 96 has been working on a car that needs no gasoline or other fuels to charge the batteries and has submitted his work to Tesla for evaluation.
I have always loved cars myself, but much of my love is for the historical development and the older models evoke a certain joy in me.