I promised I'd update, but it seems like I keep getting sidetracked and I just put it off and put it off. Life's hectic lately! I've been trying my absolute hardest to keep a steady head of steam when it comes to work. But it seems like all of the negative energy surrounding the environment is influencing the others and now everyone just comes to work mad and it's just horrible. Nobody is motivated anymore. Our hours are extending even more and yet the regional manager wants to cut hours so that nobody gets overtime. How the hell is that even possible when you have the store opened for 16 hours more per week? I'm going insane with corporate interfering so much with my job and my hours. I can't take it. I'm just going to find something else that doesn't stress me out as much, pays more and requires me to not bust my ass for nothing all the time. But I'm not writing to talk about work. I just needed to get that off my chest really quick.

Tonight was the first night I have really been able to actually get out and do something. I met up with Liz again. I've talked about her on and off. Tonight was the third "date" I guess you could say. It went great, we went to Horizon Fun Effects for an adult open skate. It pains me to admit this but before tonight I'd never known how to roller skate or roller blade. So this was a first. I was so proud of myself for not falling once. I had no idea that roller skating uses so many muscles. After half an hour of stumbling, I had muscle pains in areas I didn't even know I had muscles in. It was ridiculous. But I guess that's the pain of learning. I'll have to go back and keep at it because well, it's kinda fun and I really enjoyed myself while spending time with Liz. Of course she knew how to skate so I got embarrassed a little bit but...I can deal with it lol. After that we went back to my apartment and cuddled while watching Case 39. It's a scary movie about some social worker who adopts a child that turns out to be possessed by a demon. Typical plot, but actually really well put together. I was surprised. Liz and I explored my attic after the movie...turns out there's a shit ton of room up there that I never knew about so I'm going to have to plan something out for what I can use the attic for now. Maybe I'll put a basketball hoop up there or something...or maybe like ping pong. It's a work in progress. After that I made food for Liz and I (lasagna). It was yummy. So I've turned into somewhat of a cook now. My roommate came home after we ate, so those two met and talked a little bit then I took Liz home. Things are great with her. It's only been 3 dates but with each successful night it makes me more optimistic about what lies ahead. I feel relaxed around her. I've been so on edge lately it's really awesome to be with someone who just calms me down and brings me back down to earth. I'm more myself when she's around. 

I will keep my hopes up about this but I won't get ahead of myself. I'm not making that mistake again. She tells me I'm to meet her family soon. I'm not sure when exactly but that's one more step in a positive direction regardless. 

Okay, it's past 4am. I'm going to bed now. Happy Thanksgiving anyone! Post pictures of your food.

I'm convinced that I just fail at life. I try so so hard to make things right, but never wind up having anything to show for it. Why should continue to bust my ass for nothing? Ugh. Shit just piles on and piles on and I can't take it all at once. Coworkers are starting to notice I'm not myself.

Unfortunately it isn't going away. It will always be there...waiting for me.

I never seem to get around to posting what I want to here. I just seem to get pissed off, write something pointless and then go MIA for a week or two. I am just angry. Like all the time. Heck of a way to live.

Hellllllooooooooooooooo Xanga! It's been too long. For those of you who don't know (which is probably just about everyone), I moved into my very own apartment on October 1st. I had no internet or TV until yesterday, but yesterday was such a huge whirlwind I just slept the whole night after work. Speaking of which, I'm officially the Shop Foreman at my shop. Which means more pay, but not necessarily more hours. For now at least. When winter gets closer, I'll be able to have more hours since we'll be selling more tires. But ANYWAYS.

I think the new place is great though. I can't put up pictures because well, I haven't taken any lol. Maybe soon. Right now I'm just chilling watching tv. I have digital cable too, buuuuuuuuuuuut no HD TV and the box is hooked up in the other room, so there isn't really a point in using it. Everything in the apartment minus the kitchen is hardwood flooring. Which is really nice actually. I wish you guys could see it! The area is great, it's right by the heart of the city so there's a bunch of high profile bars and clubs within walking distance. THANK GOD. I'm thinking of getting a nice buzz going this weekend. I'm moving clothes from my parents house little by little. It's actually not bad being on my own. My freaking roommate though. That's a whole different story. I hardly get any sleep while she's here because she's always got someone over. Like her boy who stayed over last night and left at 6am this morning. 6 fucking AM!! Making all kinds of noise and ruckus when he left. Come on dude, some of us have to work in the morning. He's very disrespectful to me for no reason too. Maybe he feels threatened. I don't know what his deal is really. But it's immature. I just close the door and turn up my Xbox/tv volume when he's over. Problem solved. Lol.

Things with the other girl I've been talking to/seeing....eh they're going? It's hard to tell. She's busy all the time with family stuff and work and school. It's hard for her to make time to get together, but I understand that because I've been there too. When I was in school, I'd work 6 hour shifts AFTER a 8 or 9 hour day at classes. And that was 3 times a week, so I'd get home around 11 at night and stay up most of the night doing homework. So I'm trying to be extremely patient. I've gotta work with what I'm given. She continues to show interest so it's only right to give her the same respect and attention she gives me. I'm not going to be a dick just because I'm a little impatient sometimes. I've gotta figure out something. Like a surprise. I don't really know. Just thinking out loud lol.

But yeah I'm rambling on just to let you all know I'm alive. I'll probably have something more to write about soon. At the moment i'm just tired and I want to NOT think. Have a good night everyone!

You challenged me so here you go.

So you better believe me now Challenge accepted!

So let's cut to the chase. I was going to originally post about how things are going with Liz but that idea sailed right out the window. Christy texted me (for those of you that don't know this is the girl I have written about for quite some time now). We got to talking and I wanted to know if it was ok with her that we'd be living together even though I like her. She said it was fine, and that she's been spending alot of time with some guy and wouldn't want it to be weird if he came over....and that's when my heart entered my stomach. I spent so much time and so much energy to get her. More than anyone I've ever been with and most likely more than anyone I'll ever be with in the future. Now I can't. I can't do anything. Except sit back, bury how I feel, and be depressed. I was too slow. I missed my chance. I spent so much time working on being with her I never showed directly how I felt. This is just torture. I wonder now how much I'm going to suffer. But I already know the answer. Every damn day and night now. She is the girl of my dreams. And that sounds silly but I know how I feel. And this is way different than anyone else I've liked. I am me around her. I haven't ever felt that. Ever. I can just be me and she would hang out with me any day of the week. She told me she doesn't want to be in a relationship or give herself to anyone. And yet she is hanging out with someone. How can I live with myself now?

But I missed out and now I'm going to regret it. I'm going to regret it so much. I'm sad, depressed, confused and have nobody to talk to about it. Just a blank fucking computer screen. Maybe I'll get some sleep. Maybe not. I'm counting on the latter.

If anyone feels like making me feel better text 5852165917. I can't do this alone tonight. It fucking sucks.

I know I was supposed to update earlier this morning but obviously because I'm a lazy bum and sleep too much, that didn't happen BUT here I am because I love you guys.

Where to start...it's been a whirlwind of a month at work. I'll start with the things that I need to vent about. First, one of the mechanics decided he was going to go back to his old job, then about a week later, my manager decided he was going to resign. Nobody seems to want to work there anymore. Not even me. I mean, it's been over a year since I started, and I have not seen a pay raise. It kinda sucks haha. Our new district manager is a huge dickwad and that's the reason why we're losing two people out of a store that only had 7 employees. Now we have 6 (we just hired a new salesman). But we're short in the shop which really freaking sucks for me. I'm overworked and it's starting to take a toll on my body. I do too much with not enough help. I don't really know what is going to happen in the next month. We're apparently starting two new guys on September 10th in the shop. As for how they'll pan out, I don't know yet because I've worked with one of them before and he was the laziest kid i've ever met. I'll be pissed if he's like that again. But we'll see. *sigh*

Now on to the good stuff. 

I'm finally moving out! I found an awesome 2 bedroom apartment for 800 a month. I'm going to have a roommate so we'll split that rent. Utilities are really cheap (like 100-150) and it's closer to work. Plus it's a super nice area, close to alot of bars and a park...and wegmans so I don't have to worry too much about shopping. Move in date is october 1st so around that time I probably won't be on much at all because I'll need a good 2-3 days just to move and get settled, then I'll need to buy food lol. But my roommate is actually going to be Christy. I've talked about her before on here. She's the person I've been DYING to date since like ever. I haven't simply just asked how she felt yet though. Probably should get on that...I'm just kinda scared it'd make things weird if she doesn't feel the same since we'll be living together. I don't know what I want more...ok actually I do I want her more than I want to move out but gaahhhhhhhh its so hard to work up the courage lol. 

But yeah so there's that. I'm excited to move. I'm excited to finally be on my own and have my own life away from family issues and problems and rules and restrictions. It's time I moved on. 

I'm going on a date either tonight or tomorrow night with Liz though and I have to say I'm super excited lol. It would be our 2nd date...the plan is to go bowling, then improvise from there. Hah. Nothing to do really in this town especially late at night, except go to bars or clubs, but that's not a date. Around here that's an "I want to fuck you then never talk to you again" idea. Which isn't me or what I'm intending with her. So we'll seeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Other than that, I really don't have much else. My car needs work. A rear speaker blew out so I have to find rear speakers. And it seems my ipod connection is messed up so I have to take the stereo apart in my car and see what the issue is. I'm due for a timing chain replacement, an oil change, tire rotation...uh what else...oh yeah, spark plugs and serpentine belt. I also have to adjust the free play on my clutch pedal. Car problems never end. Sorry for the mechanic talk. Only Jess would really get what I'm saying on this lol. 

Ok that's it for my update. Liz just texted me so I'm gonna go get ready to leave. Weeeeeeee!

So I want to start this off by saying you all stink for not randomly calling me or Skyping me. I mean come on! I only just gave away my number and Skype for you guys...the least you can do is play along! Now I'm going to have to take it down since nobody bit *sadface*

I've had a busy last few days. I got back from Florida on Tuesday. Went back to work on Wednesday. It had been slammed all week with work and the rest of the week was no different. I went out to a bar on Thursday with a few friends, and afterwards when we got to where my car was supposed to be, it was gone. Like...GONE. After realizing it's not a time to freak, I looked around and saw a sign saying that parking lot gets towed. So my car got towed. I couldn't call till the next morning and that made me miss my shift at work not having a car. At least I was able to sleep in and recover from the night before, and get ready for my date that night. Yeah...my first real date in who knows how long. 

It couldn't have gone better. We met up at Starbucks and had a really nice conversation for about an hour. We just sat there and talked and laughed, it was actually pretty great. Then we realized that we'd been talking for so long we were about to miss the showing of Dark Knight Rises at the theater across the street. So we went there and saw it. What a fucking epic movie lol. Midway through she bought a medium (fucking gigantic) bag of popcorn, which I got a good laugh out of because she's so tiny. She's only 5'1, and probably weighs about 100 pounds if I had to guess. But I wasn't about to complain either, I was starving So after the movie we went outside and talked a little more. It started to rain, so I hugged her after getting cleared for a second date, and went home. All in all it was a great night. Her name is Liz and she's pretty gorgeous I have to say When I first saw her I was like "wow" haha. Pic!

Sorry it's sorta grainy, but yeah that's her. I'll be sure to get a better one next time I see her! Also, did I mention she's older than me? Quite a change of pace...especially for me. I've only been around younger women, which obviously has not worked out well for me. So we'll see how this goes.

Gotta go to work now bye!

I live with a constant pain..and a constant fear. Pain and fear that nobody knows about. I haven't told anyone. Not a single person. I feel alone because I don't trust anyone nearly enough to share my secrets. I don't trust anyone enough to make myself vulnerable. I am afraid. I feel heavy, weighed down, by this. So much that I can't fully enjoy my life. I want to change. I want it to stop being like this. But how do I let it go? It will never go away. I am afraid.

I haven't posted in a considerable amount of time. I'll update you on what's been happening. 

Things with the crush are going good. We went to a show last friday and shared a few drinks along with an awesome pesto chicken panini. It was SO FREAKING GOOD I LOVE PESTO. Anyways. Yeah, so that was fun getting to see her again. The show was really good though. One of the bands had a harp player as the lead. That's right, HARP. It was awesome! She could sing really good too and her songs were catchy. Plus, I mean, it's a harp with christmas lights on it. What's not awesome about that? If anyone wants to check out some of her stuff, her name is Mikaela Davis. If not, well, your loss. Lol.

So yeah that was Friday...this week has been absolute hell though so far, minus Tuesday. Work has been the number one cause of my stress lately. It's been so crazy busy and we're down a guy for the whole week since he's on vacation, which puts all the responsibility on me after the other techs leave at 5 and we close at 7. We have a salesman who's been just downright AWFUL. He's been treating us like crap. Apparently Tuesday (the day I had off), he was pissing off the other two techs because he was being slow when he was working in the shop..and just doing all sorts of bullshit. But yeah, yesterday he fucked me bigtime by not giving me a lunch until AFTER my help left. Which makes no sense. I had time around 230 to take lunch and he was like "oh you can't for another 2 hours or so." Oh really? Is that so? Thanks, dickface. Really fucking helpful. I wound up not getting lunch until 5. LUNCH. At 5pm. Wtf is that crap? Then later on a bigass truck came in with a flat tire, and of course it had to be all rusted through, so the spare wouldn't come down and the wheel on the car wouldn't come off. Took over half an hour just to swap the spare onto the truck. And just as I'm finishing that up (around 645pm), a 4 tire job walks in the door, that this salesman had told to come down. It's okay though because I apparently don't have a life outside of work when this fucking idiot is working. I left an hour late from work on Wednesday. Pissed me right the fuck off. 

I've been having issues with a friend of mine too. He's just a total dick. He apparently was happy that I was so furious, so I took out a little anger and cut off all contact with him. I had been debating doing it for a while anyways. He always badmouths me (to my face and behind my back), and is apparently threatened by me? He told his ex to stay away from me for some reason. An ex he no longer talks to...who I hung out with on Tuesday. Ha. Take that, fucker. I recently posted an ecard on facebook stating "If someone hates you for no reason, give that motherfucker a reason to." Well, I hope that's good enough reason.

Anyways, on Tuesday I went to get subs with this kid's ex, then went to a waterpark, and then to the movies for the amazing spiderman. GREAT movie. Emma Stone definitely made the movie for me. I won't ruin it for anyone who hasn't seen it. But I highly recommend it. I'm glad to finally have gotten out of the house and gone on a date, if you can even call it that. Eh, she's cute. I guess it was, since I paid for the movie. Lol. Don't care either way. I just had a great time. Unfortunately I have to deal with work for the next two days...*sigh*

I get to go to Florida on the 31st of this month and I'll be gone for a week. I'm just really freaking looking forward to then so I can get the fuck out of here. Lol. I'm tired of people. I need and deserve a break.

That should get you pretty much up to speed. There's more crap I want to talk about, but right now I don't want to, and I'm going out tonight anyways so till next time, cya!

Oh and p.s. Xanga, you fucking suck lately.

I will be there for you through anything. You'll never be alone and you'll always have me in your life..the only thing I want is a chance. Please don't let this be one-sided. Don't let this be a false hope. I finally found what i'm looking for, I don't want this opportunity to slip away.