Let's cut to the chase here.

I went out tonight with a female friend of mine to a local bar. Just to drink and catch up on a few things, enjoy some laughs and have a bit of fun time in our otherwise stressful lives. The backstory is we've known each other for about 5 years. But we've only been close friends for 2 years. And by close, I mean she's the number one female friend in my life at the moment. 

Anyways, she's extremely attractive, she makes me laugh, she has many qualities I look for in a woman. Nice personality, and she communicates extremely well with me. Very trustworthy, and very worth my time. The only thing is, I don't think she really knows how much I like her. If she did she might get a little weirded out. I've dropped subtle clues here and there, but nothing that she would really think to pick up on. I haven't flat out said I like her. I respect her as a person and a friend...but at the same time I would be ecstatic if I were to date her. She's really a great girl. 

At the bar I saw two guys I knew, which was quite random. They were there playing in a group of bandmates, just entertaining the crowd. In between sets, they were taking a break and I was talking to them at the bar. Jenna (that's her name) had gone to the bathroom and when she came back she came up to me to tell me she was going outside for a smoke (yeah, she smokes, but is quitting). After she walked away, both guys immediately turned to me and asked me if she was my girl. I said no and that we were friends, but they persisted. Of course. They asked why I'm not dating her. To be honest, I couldn't think of a reason why I'm not dating her or wouldn't date her. Let me rephrase that actually, there is no reason why I wouldn't date her. I'm just...I don't know, I enjoy her company a bunch.

We laughed alot tonight and smiled. She looked incredible...the way the light of the bar was set against her face. There were a few moments where all I thought about was how beautiful she looked. After we left the bar, I stayed at her apartment for about an hour just sitting and talking with her. It was nice, and we hugged tightly before I left. 

My question is what the heck do I do? She's one of the only females I completely trust. I know that doesn't mean I should date her, and it definitely doesn't mean she feels the same way about me, but I want this off my chest. I have to tell you, it's EXTREMELY DIFFICULT being around her. You have no idea how much of a struggle it is to see her and be social and carry a conversation.

I don't know. Help me find a right course of action here. Although, I think I already know the question I have to ask, and the answer I'm going to get. I just need to hear it from someone else I think.

Otherwise, goodnight.

*Edit*: have not heard from her since the day after I wrote this and told her to look at it. I fear the worst...this is not how I wanted it to be. WHY DO I FUCK EVERYTHING UP!? So depressed right now..

I spent all morning talking to someone new and wishing my closest friends happy thanksgiving via text and facebook. Then I got to a close female friend of mine, who i've posted about before.

Link: http://dustin-wind.xanga.com/722241560/episode-2-of-the-idiot-and-the-cling-on/

Well, I got to her facebook page to wish her a happy thanksgiving, only to find out that she had deleted me. Without telling me of course. She has gotten back together with that tool as of a few days ago, and I expressed my view on that to her quite clearly. Which must have made her mad at me or something. I guess I can't try to watch out for my friends anymore. So I texted her to tell her to have a happy fucking thanksgiving, and then deleted her number. I really do not have time for this. It's cool that you never hang out with me, really. It's cool that you prefer one boyfriend who doesn't give two shits about you or your life, over a bunch of close friends that do give a shit. It's cool that you don't take anything anyone says into consideration. It's cool that you're a bitch, really.

It's cool, no worries. Have a nice life, fuckface. All he is, is disappointment, wrapped in hope. I'll be sure to slam the door shut in your face when you want to be my friend again. But don't worry, it's cool, because I take time out of my day to personally wish you a happy thanksgiving. Not that it means anything. 

5 years of friendship down the drain. Fuck this shit.

Fuck this day.

After about 2pm I had lost all hope for today, and no I'm not going to be posting that entry anymore, at least not for a while.

Maybe when I stop feeling like I want to put someone's head through a wall I will.

I'll be uploading that video that I said i'd put up. 

I'll also upload pictures of how skinny I am (you be the judge), and a new shirt I got too from when I was in atlantic city. That's a whole story by itself. So much fun...but right now i need to relax.

I know I'm pretty much never on here anymore, but I gotta give my audience something

So angry and depressed.

All. The. Time.

Can't take much more of this the way things are going...I need change, and fast. 

I spend my time working twice as hard than I should be, then when I get home I sleep and skip dinner like tonight. Then I repeat the process the next day...things are just not the same as they used to be. I am not happy and I know I'm not. So I'll just accept it and deal with it, because nothing I try to do has changed it.

I'm learning the Party Rock Shuffle for a flash mob I'll be participating in this month. It's a cool little dance and i've got the first half of it down. If you got some spare time on your hands you can learn it too! I'm sure you've all heard the song on the radio. Party Rock Anthem by LMFAO, made famous by the line "Everyday I'm shufflin." The song is played in clubs all around the globe, and done by flash mobs all around the globe, so if you want to impress your friends, and maybe attract the attention of the guy or girl you've been eyeing at a club, here's a GREAT tutorial on the dance. It will take about a good week of solid practice before you can probably do it all from memory. But hey, it works. 

Life's just dandy.

Hah, joking of course...with the exception of this weekend its been more of the same bullshit. I can't stand people.

I figured since I was online and can spare the half hour or so it will take to write this before I got to go to bed, I'd do it. You guys deserve to know the update on my life anyways. I don't really have time for this anymore. I mean I log on daily, but I'm always so tired from working so much, and as the winter draws closer, I won't even be online at all, maybe a few times a month, if that. That's the tire business for you.

Speaking of, work is going well. Our normal Saturday morning meeting today was to say that we are about to break the $2 million mark in a fiscal year, for the first time ever in this store's history. My question is who's going to buy the food and booze for the party? Guess we'll find out when it happens a week or two down the road. I scratched a brand new rim Thursday, however it wasn't my fucking fault the paint wasn't cured right before it was shipped out to the customer. When I took it out of the box the paint looked like it has just been done 2 days ago. It was FRESH. Like, I could tell just running a fingernail on the rim would have chipped it off. It was a shit job done by whoever painted it. As a result...I got the tire on and since it was going on a motor home, those rims are a bit different from normal rims and we have to use a spacer to balance it out correctly, and the spacer wound up chipping the paint off the inside of the rim. $300 rim and nothing I or anyone else in the shop could have done to prevent it. The lady was a straight up bitch to me too. I tried explaining to her how we balance those rims and she didn't want to hear it. At that point I wanted to strangle her but instead kept my mouth shut and let her be a bitch. After she walked inside I explained to the husband who was much more understanding, how it happened. He seemed pretty fine with it and agreed with me there was nothing I could have done. Its people like that dumb bitch of a lady that ruin my whole fucking week. I'm still pissed about it. Whatever.

Two weeks ago Friday was extremely rough. I came to work an hour later than I was supposed to be there, and my mom called the cops on me and they showed up with her at my work while I was there. Then she proceeded to yell and scream at me in front of my coworkers and a few customers. God forbid I'm gone for a fucking hour and she flips a shit. I'm 22. Get a fucking grip. She wouldnt even believe me when I said I was driving around because I saw the normal opener's car there when I got there at 8. What does she think I am? A druggie? I wanted to punch her or hit something so bad, after she left I couldnt even focus on my job. I wasn't doing ANYTHING right. And that's the most pissed off I've ever been at someone. She still hasn't apologized for saying that. Needless to say, I am not speaking to her until she does. It's all been one word answers and a bunch of ignoring her questions and demands since then. She fucking deserves it. I don't care what you say, she deserves it. Anyways, I got home that day and locked myself in my room for about 2 hours. 1 hour was spent venting to friends about it, the latter hour was spent being upset and crying in my bed. I had to gather myself and leave the house without saying anything to anyone before someone noticed. I was at least able to get outside the garage without starting to cry again. I cried the whole way to the lake, and for the hour and a half I was there I cried the whole time, while people were around. Then I left, trying to calm myself down, which didnt work so I just wound up going back and crying more, till about midnight I think. I can't really remember. There were still people around when I left too. Must have thought I was crazy. I'm so glad there's no decent people in this fucking town. Nobody asked if I was okay or anything. Nobody cares here. I haven't talked to anyone face to face about it either, because nobody is able to make the time to see a friend in need. It really isn't fair how I have to go through the dumbest fucking bullshit, and wind up with nothing to show for it. 

I had my first experience with a club last saturday, and I actually had a ton of fun. Saw a bunch of my high school buddies so myself and the friend I went with just hopped around with them the whole night. At the end of the night some girl told me I was really cute, but I didn't think to get a number to contact her when I was sober (was slightly drunk at the time). She was freaking beautiful. I do remember her name though, so I guess good for me. Not that it'll get me anywhere. Oh well. My friend blacked out and almost puked in my car. He held it in till we got back to his apartment, and he wound up spitting up into the toilet. I left after he came out and said he'd be alright. He had me worried but it's all good. All in all it was a ton of fun, even though there were basically no girls to dance with. Next time I'm hoping to have better luck...whenever that next time is. 

As for women, I am still as single as can be. I'm working on a few things now, but none are promising, as they seem to lack the ability to communicate. Also, I have to say that one of my high school friends is a total dickwad to me for no reason. He thinks just because I am single and the girl he brings along to an outing is single, that I want to get with her. No dude, first of all she's 19, and that in itself is a no-no. Secondly, she lives an hour and a half away. I couldn't even do 35 minutes with my last ex. She was demanding as fuck too. And a bitch. On the flipside, if I didn't know this friend and the girl was 21, I might consider it, but it would still be most likely a no. This friend of mine likes to tell this specific girl that I'm an asshole, and make assumptions about my character based on my past. Yes we have some banter back and forth, but I'd never take it to the level he does. If he kept it to a minimum I'd be fine with it. But everytime I see him? Sorry, I don't appreciate that buddy. 

All in all, I've really had it with people. Don't say it will get better on its own. I don't want to hear that crock of shit. It will get better when I make it better myself. 

So that's the update on my life so far. 

To the women out there: If you find a nice guy who treats you right and is everything you look for in a guy, but just because he's not your "type" physically you friend zone him, then shame on you. Hang on to the nice guys, because people like you are the reason they finish last. Then you wind up complaining from all the hot guys who just want to fuck the shit out of you and treat you like dirt with no strings attached for a week or so, then be on their way to the next victim when you get clingy. 

Just saying. 

I haven't smiled, or laughed, like that in a long time...

3,000 miles away is where I'd find true happiness. 

Thank goodness for Skype.